TEARS AND RAIN

“I found peace in the depths of your love, now that you’re gone ,I live to pacify the storm within me.”

MUSIC.VODKA.CAR KEYS.

Three things that make a hopeless heart fly again, fly away from the pain and the hurt that silently devours it .She discovered them, just recently but the pain had been suffocating her since long. In the beginning it was more fierce now it just smouldered slowly.

Another lonely night,1500 kms away from home, another city , a new life in the place where she had first met him. She closed her eyes , took her car keys and banged out of her flat.

She was over him, done with her past or so she thought but on some nights like this one, everything just came flashing back . She had thought a lot of times to contact him, now that they were in the same place . It had been two years since she had broken up with him(which she did, not because she had stopped loving him but because it was the right thing to do) . Tonight was different though, she was thinking about him again and it pissed her off. Why did she always wonder about what could be rather than focussing on what was. So she decided to do what she had been wanting since she had shifted to this new place, call him up!

She wasn’t sure what the outcome would be , she just wanted to get rid of this ambiguousness that maimed her life. She somehow managed to recall his number and with a lot of courage, dialled it.

“They say that words have the power to destroy relationships, hence should be uttered carefully. If only you had used words coz the silence destroyed ME.”  

Three rings and his voice was followed by a chill that freezed her lips. She couldn’t utter a single word and cut the phone. Before she could think about what happened he called back. This time she gathered herself and said a faint hello, he asked her who she was and she freezed again. He had forgotten her.

He asked again and again and again. She cleared her throat but it was just an innuendo in vain. He had forgotten her for sure.

She said just a word,just one. Her name.The next thing she herd was the beeping of a disconnected phone.

She hadn’t expected this reaction, it caught her offguard. She messaged him, once and then again but he never replied leaving her staring at the message screen for long, blankly. She wasn’t angry, sad or much of anything. She was numb. She looked for her car keys since her answer to everything was RUNNING AWAY. Banged the door behind, started the engine, drove away in the silence that slowly began burning her. She drove past a wine and beer shop, next thing, she was drunk in the middle of the night with music that pierced her ears, driving. She stopped abruptly, pressed the bottle to her lips again,it burned her throat inside but still it was better than the ache she felt inside her hollow soul. After a few seconds of stillness it struck her. All the pain she had pretended she never felt, all the laughs she had faked, all the lonely nights, all the running away, every wound had been rubbed open again . All her strength was ripped in pieces, pieces she couldn’t and didn’t want to assemble. Tears scalded her cheeks, she screamed like she never had, it felt like someone had cut out a piece of her and poured alcohol on the bleeding wound.

It rained tears that night. It wasn’t only about him, she had controlled her emotions for a long time now trying to be strong through a lot of things, this incident just marked her saturation point.

Next morning she woke up in her bed, it was raining.Outside. Her head was heavy but she felt light. Atleast now she could let him go.

Pramati Anand