Khwaayishein aur Kashmakash

Posted: July 24, 2012 by Ankur in Writes...
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 I had so many desires earlier,

But in my desire to get you,

            All my desire melted away.” –   Rumi

The world has already witnessed the different phases and faces of love, this one is also among them yet bit different, actual and thoda filmy. Not because that it will going to be a legend or a tale. Nah…. its all because of the characters, the lives, the destiny and quest of the heart involve in it and its true love who will lead the different ways.

Yes, its a story of my friend, a very close friend who is alive. But do not exist !! Silent, shy, true at heart, honest, non-ladkibaaz , and a closed book- hard to open. These are the primary words to introduce my friend and the precious thing he wanted in his life was that he should never ever change from inside, what he is as a person.

Silent, shy, chashmish, non-vulgar like other boys at that time, innocent with “whole life, single network” theory (that he used to say about himself which simply meant he was one girl man). These are the words that describes him, when he fell in love for the first time in 7th standard, after having two small, unsuccessful and one sided crushes in fourth and sixth standards. He fell in love with an angel (for him she was), a childhood friend since nursery. This time actually the feel was different. And he was assure of it that it is love, his love. 13 was his age, when he just stepped into the teen-series (the time, when two pages of science were revealing the truth about how human baby comes into existence to us, he was surrendering himself into the ocean of  world’s best feeling which was way independent of external beauty). And like 90% cases, it was one sided but it didn’t bothered him much. Staring her, making her smile, absorbing colors of her life was his daily focus and routine in the class. There is one more thing about him that he had so much faith in God because according to him, “Khuda toh humarey dil mei hi hai yaar, toh unse kuch bhi kehna hai toh man mei hi bolo , sun lengey, Mandir –Masjid compulsion nahi hai”. And seriously, it used to work for him.

Days passed, months passed, years passed.

Even his love was attaining new heights and the frame of  his imagination of seeing himself with her in future, was growing. He never showed to her, he never expressed to her and was waiting for the right time to say (when the whole universe can bless them for their love) so that it should not harm their friendship and ruined her smile. The only  person who knew about his each and every move and feelings was his ‘upar wala connection’(god)Whenever he used to pray, one blessing definitely used to come for her that she always remain happy, his love gets stronger day by day and hope she’ll love him too( all accompanied by a drop of tear).Yes, a tear. Because the story did not had a smooth track. There was a jerk in our class, whom he hated the most till date and same was the case from the other side also. On the contrary, they were really good friends for the world and yes, he was a villain of this tale. My friend always had a fear of seeing his angel, his love, his life with that jerk, not as friends but something else and that fear was gifting him the pain and more pain.

After three years of love, he moved to the new school with the unsuccessful and regretful effort of telling her the heaven of love which he had created for her. For another two years (11th and 12th), there was a drought in this journey. Two different schools, different friends groups, talks became less and more less. But our hero kept on loving her, caring for her, praying for her.Though his heart was asking for her every single moment.

Then his life took a new turn in a new direction and after his schooling, he left for a new city, new world to build up the correct path of his destiny, of his career with true love in heart and vision of dreams in eyes. There, texting was the only source, of  being in touch with her, and sometimes calling. And that “sometimes calls” always awarded him with a sign of relief, a smile, sitting miles away from her. Ups and downs, downs and ups continued. The most uncertain thing of this love track, what I feel, was that a lot of things were happening around my friend’s side – love, pain, desire, imagination etc. but on the other node, she didn’t even had a clue that to what extent someone loves her, without demanding the same in return, without even complaining that he is not getting his share of love. It was like the scenario of Marine Drive, one side gives you the noise, hulchul, spark of the city and on the side of face, there is calmness of the sea, silent and irresponsive. After five and a half year, it was not affecting him much because usne uski absence ko hi apni aadat bana liya tha. After six years of his one-sided love, he got to know that yes, she is in relationship with that same jerk. It disheartened him, disaapointed him but the damage was less, than it could have !! That meant, there was something different happening in his six years journey of  love.

Simply, the reason was that the love, he was keeping safe within his heart, was fading away and the strong connection, this love has built up, was losing his strength but somehow our hero was not accepting it, not admitting it. This was the turning point of this tale and just after the two months, something happened that finally gave an exit door to his angel, the way that helped her to escape out the pure love which she was missing out. He got to know that whatever he texted her, he shared with her, she used to tell everything to that jerk!!! And it broke, it broke his trust (for him trust is the most important thing for any relation, for any love-thing, just like wheels for any vehicle).

And she went, completely and abruptly. Her departure, after accommodating his heart for almost six and a half year, was not even hurting him much. Why? Why he was not heartbroken, when his heart again became empty? When his frame of imagination was shutting down? Why !!!

Because, this is not the story of him and that angel .It is a story of our Mr.True Heart ( him) and another girl, a girl who is the actual love of his life ,who is the life of his love, who is the realisation of his inner soul, who is the mirror image of him, who is everything for him, who is a girl, a simple girl not any angel.

Silent,shy, both extro-introward, beautiful, true at heart, a closed book- hard to open. Now, these are the words to introduce the leading lady of the story. You must have read the same words in someone else’s description. Yes, they both were same , with almost equal perception towards life, towards love. Even she didn’t believed in explaining and shouting everything ,what she has inside her, to the people made up of wax. Because there was no point, of making people understand what you have inside when they can’t get it. Its like explaining C++ programming to an Arts student !!!  Aur waise dekhaa jaaye toh , it is a most common chemical property of the people who are silent from inside, shy and believe in actual love(no aaltu-faaltu time pass), just like both of them. And as SRK said in Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna, “ Do Ajnabee, Ek haalaat, Fir dosti, Fir Problem solved”, so it happened. Destiny had planned their meet. Initially she was friend with his another friend( though all three of them were in same ‘palace’(college)). Then ‘thoda thoda wala’ talks started, slowly. Just few days later of their meet, she called him up for the first time in college regarding some work( that reveals she already had his number). But it hardly took ten seconds to save her number in his cell. Then what, most fastest form of communication of today’s date started between them – Texting. Today, our youth considers texting and facebooking more powerful than nuclear bombs or U.S Dollar value, trust me. Bas fir kya, the number of messages increased per ‘hour’ and gradually, the length and the understanding grew stronger and more stronger as exactly what spinach used to do with Popeye !!

Keep staring the blank screen for reply boosted up the unbridled urge within them, nights were more dedicated to the calls and listening each other’s voice than their works. It was then, when he somehow realised that she is exactly the one what he is. Let me tell you one thing, it was the time when he was in love with that angel only. She(the girl) was just a friend then but he had no control over his talks, over his waiting for her reply. And the actual scene was, “Din raat  message and call par baatein, and when they meet, nothing to say”. It was then when he got to know from sources that she likes him a lot. The strange and unique thing happened, she was the first person whom he said everything which he never told to anyone(refer to the chemical property, I mentioned earlier), even about his love for angel. And then, suddenly, a great confusion  striked  his mind and heart. When he used to imagine himself with his angel in Teri Meri Prem Kahani( Bodyguard) song, the images of her (the girl) used to blink in his eyes and then he had only one thing to say “What the F is happening” . But this confusion did not troubled him for much timebecause after a while he got his answer when that ‘trust-broken’ incident happened with him and angel and she vanished from his heart without hurting him much as someone else has already occupied his heaven and he was unaware of it. Slowly slowly , both of them were like cardiograph for each other and their heart started expanding and contracting rhythmically on each other’s voice. When he used to talk to her in the night, an unidentified current used to run across his body which never happened earlier and then after all the laughs shared, singing songs, building trust and dropping tears, while their night calls, he found some actual and factual meaning out of it, that- “ Yes, he is in love again, more true, more actual and the one his heart was waiting for”.

Aag toh dono taraf hi lag rahi thi par doosri taraf scenario thoda alag tha. Let me tell you a short brief about her side. She was a very sensitive girl by heart and her heart has the thirst of actual and permanent love . Her heart was already broken twice, before she met him. But the second one, left her with lots of pain and loads of tears and she was not sure whether  she had stopped loving him or not which made her heart stiff like a stone and was acting as a barrier for true love and the only thing she wanted was that it should come directly and selflessely from heart, not forcefully. Thats why she was confused about allowing her to love someone or not and our hero knew all this thing at the same time. Par…

“Pyaar ki in boondo ka bhi apna mukaam hota hai,

Aur us mukaam mei inkaa apna jahaan hota hai,

        Jahaan nayi hasratein milti hai, naya jeevan khilta hai”

One night, what exactly they felt, was shared with each other but in a indirect context (on call) and then she told him that things would be more easier to understand and discuss, if they get direct. Then and there, he decided to tell her what his heart was shouting, what she wanted to listen but not because of, he don’t wanted to repeat the mistake of waiting like last time but only because, he wanted to break the barrier within her, fear of getting pain so that she can fly freely out of all boundations and her weak heart can rely upon someone’s pure love which will soothe her wounds and will not harm. The very next morning they both met at their place (adda) away from the place they live where the sky, the rain, the air loved their presence and then finally, under the open sky, in front of big mountains, in fresh chill of the morning, after taking two hours to reach the main motive, after singing songs (suiting the situation), after dropping 2-3 tears, he said it, very bravely( sarcasm) in ‘shudh hindi’ –

“Mai (3 minutes pause)….Tumse(2 minutes pause)….Pyaar(1 minute pause)…… Karta hoo” and then a sign or relief flowed across him, he was happy that he said it finally to someone, someone he loves beyond the limit, for the first time in his life. Though she didn’t uttered anything in return except showing a great sign of shyness and going pink faced !!! And he knew this already as she was not conformed yet (though her situation was travelling on the same track, that she’ll express the same, very soon) and he had no issues with that.

“Wo mohabbat hi kya, jisney deewangi ka aasma nahi dekhaa,

Aur wo izhaar hi kya jisney unki aankho ko nam nahi chodaa”

Uske baad toh unki zindagi ka rukh kuch aur ho gaya tha, unki baato mei pyaar jhalakney lag gaya tha, aur unki aankho mei ek alag hi chamak bikharney lag gayi thi.They were now moving freely, meeting more gladly and walking down the streets holding hands, fingers into fingers which gave a special and mesmerizing warmth to him. And they didn’t shared anything of their story with anyone around them, as both of them were waiting for her ‘inner call’ first. When he hugged her for the first time, he realised from the deep core of his heart that she is the one, the LOVE of his life, meaning of his soul and what he was missing out in his life and he don’t have to hunt for it now anywhere else and on the other hand she was still confused, but on the edge of the conformation.

BUT. His destiny had the same game to play in her mind like last time. After sometime, the girl was losing internal connection with herself, something spiritual and told him also. This lost connection within her was somehow restricted her from confirmation level.

On one random day, she was not well and was not talking properly which randomly randomized my friend’s mind and mood and in night, he showed his anger on one call and was crying like a kid on the second one, which was a really puerile thing and made her think something different that night, suddenly it again started worrying her ki jo pehley huaa hai, kahi wo phir se toh nahii…!!! The fear of losing someone again, of experiencing the pain again, and of gathering the strength, if it will be required. All such thoughts gave her the answer which she didn’t wanted,  gave her the confirmation which she was searching for but in a reverse direction and out of all her control and will, she had to run away. Suddenly, things became weird and unexplanatory to both of them. The prime victim of the situation, my friend, was not even able to judge what is revolving around. Usey ye lagta raha ki aisey hi chota mota kuch ho gaya hai, ho jata hai yaar kabhi kabhi, jald hi theek ho jayega aur aisey hi waqt nikalta raha aur wo ussey puchta raha ki kya huaa hai? Kyun aisey ho raha hai? But he was unaware of the dark storm which was covering their calm love with great strength. He kept on asking, kept on behaving the same and kept on expecting the same, which they used to be in their good times but it was all bouncing back in the opposite angle and it started irritating her, frustrating her and wanted him to let her go. She had one problem( according to her), that if any person gives or shows her love and she is not able to return the same, she runs away from that person and situation without her will even if she don’t want to and also had one weakness also(that according to him), she thinks that she is strong, independent and can fight all odds of her life on her own, but she was not, she was very weak from the deep inside.Two months, then three months passed, and the situation became more worse, more mysterious. He had no idea that whats happening and why is it happening after everything going well, as a result he was into a restless and helpless mode. A time came, when she didn’t even wanted to see his face, don’t even talk. The flame, the sear within him became huge and he was burning into it every single second.

Kuch unkahee thi, baatein do baatein, kuch unsuni thi,

Kuch sahi si thii,kuch galt si thi,

Par insey nikalti wo aag, ek dard si thi, ek gehri jalan si thi”

A day came when they met, talked softly, many things happened, few things he got to know about what she was going through and on the conclusion, she said that let just be normal, as in normal friends, no ‘pyaar shyaar’ thing !!!! In the whole phase of their journey, from start of love to this confusion, he always taken the step which she wanted and which gave comfort and happiness to her. But this time, was it that much easy to bind up everything within himself, when destiny was again kicking his ass and heart more harder, when his heart was again drowning in the black darkness of pain, was it that much easy? He still agreed for doing that, just for her so that she don’t have to run anymore. But even that did not worked out.

Days passed, months passed. Kabhi unki dostimei  bhut achchaa daur ataa, toh kabhi hud buraa. Sab ekdum properly phley jaisa ya phir normal, ho nahi paya. He daily used to pray to his upar wala connection, that something happens so that she can return. He tried every method to get her back; showing more love, didn’t melted her and ignoring her, didn’t affected. But he still used to call every night, though receiving was not surety, then talks become less, replying become more less and meeting were negligible. He was helpless as never before and was absorbing so much pain which none of us can’t even imagine. It was like hundreds of nails were penetrating the every inch of his body. His heart used to scream so badly that even whole universe can listen it but no one heard it, not even his God , the only one who knew everything what was happening, but neither he responded. He started losing himself to a place which is unknown, a place from where he don’t know how to call back himself.

“Teri meri mohabbat ke saaye mei toh tanhaayi bhi naseeb nahi hoti,

Par tere do alfaazo ke intezaar mei toh meri innayat jalti hai” 

The only option he was left with, was to feel the pain in its severe form and fight it t save the love within him and to shed lots and loads of tears everyday before sleeping. He slowly started becoming a sullen.And this was his strong love, true love which was not quitting. He was not getting restless because of not getting love in return, but it was due to the situation in which their trustful, understandable and reliable friendship was leaning on the mountain of difiiculties and confusion – in what state they are? What is the actual meaning of their relation? Is this friendship, weird friendship or just a painful phase? Now, before that girl becomes the villain of this story, let me defend her that even it was not her fault either. She already came running from her past and was somehow not able to get over it, not by her will, as it was pinching her in breaks. She was weak, unanswered to herself. Then how will she able to explain my friend when she herself was struggling in the ocean of pain which has not left her completely since it broke last time, though she thought it went, but it didn’t. She still cares for my friend, worrries for him but just do not know how to help him. All this clashes of different thoughts has filled her with a calm wrath and do not know how to get relieved from it. So, thats simple, how can she handle so many things together when she is not able to fly freely out of her boundation of  heart. The really praising thing of her was, that atleast she was honest and clear and did not made the fool of him by doing false promises. No, it was not her fault !!!

Koi waqt ke aagey haara haara saa,

Koi pyaar mei firtaa maara maara saa,

Dil ke rishton mei, uski raaho mei kyu dard hamesha milta hai,

Aur kyu kaanto par hi phool sukho ka khilta hai ”

And here is one of the page of his diary, which he wrote on the day when the last time they met (not end walaa last), few days before…

And it was the day when she was leaving the city for some other place for some time, some months. A day which came after unpleasant fifteen days. Those longest fifteen days which came as a compensation of a night. A most soothing night which I spended just talking to her, staring my winsome love,a night, when I felt that these 5 months of severe pain and sear never existed for that moment and with the intution which was striking me again and again from inside  that these ‘golden hours’ will not come free of cost, I’ll again have to pay for it, like always. And you know what, I was right !!!   

So, meeting her today was like that someone has asked US President to meet at the cafe!!! She was in a hurry (or not) and was denying to meet, still I managed to reach her house to bid her a goodbye with something in hand and just wanted to know( without bothering her much) ,what suddenly has happened, out of my knowledge, that we were this way for half of the month as I won’t be seeing her for quite sometime. But as you know, nothing happens which I  wonders and she came out of  her house in a hurry and with just one word – BIE, she left, leaving me with some answered questions, with ‘some watery substance’ (dunno wat !!) in my eyes, with bleeding soul and I kept staring the way, her car was leading away and then, I was broken really hard for the first time, just like the pieces of a mirror, even if they are joined altogether, the cracks will not leave their marks until excess of cure is given and love is poured over.Sigh …..can’t write now”  

After seven months, he is still fighting the pain, the flame inside and saving his love and his suffocating heart where still one name accommodates, her name.He just weep, deep inside and left with only one option that is just scrolling up and scrolling down her messages; messages of love, messages of understanding, messages of her anger, messages of pain. He lie shattered, damaged beyond repair. He awarded himself with LOSER, the one who loved twice purely and in return, didn’t even got a single drop of it since past 7 years. The constant person which he never wanted to change has lost somewhere. Now, his smile is artificial, laugh is spurious and his presence at anywhere by heart is negligible. But the strange thing is that, after so much of hurt, he never regretted why he fell in love with someone who burned his soul completely. Nah….because he knows that it was him who loved her beyond far extent with his will, his choice, she didn’t told him to do so. The only thing that triggers him is the misconception she had about him that ‘he cannot understand her’, but thats not true, he always did. Thats why he is still loving her, caring for her, keeping himself away from her only for her and praying for her that her heart can break the barrier and learn how to love freely.

The moment I understood this story, I realized that it has to be penned down. After experiencing a lot, he still have the audacity to say, “Ye kahaani khatam nahi huyi hai, Bas adhoori reh gayi hai…..”.  Where? From where, these kind of people comes in this world, where time passing, faking love, making countless boyfriends and girlfriends, making out for fun, break ups then patch ups then again break ups and still moving on and making new ones, has become the religion of today’s youth. From where these people get courage to love someone purely and truly without any demand; On one side, after getting so much of pain and not experiencing love from other side for even once, he is still loving her and promiseto continue the same forever and on other side, the actual and true love is at her door but she is not melting away. Its just she wants to love someone from the heart with the inner call, not forcefully by seeing, that might be him or someone else. Sigh. I do salute these two souls and want to praise them, and may their destinies gets a common destination.I am really thankful to my friend for allowing me to share this untold story of him.

This was the story of my friend, whose destiny of love ruined his true heart, who lost himself in searching something else. Yes, a story of a friend, very close friend who is alive, but do not exist. I will end up with the lines, he wrote –

“I walked, I searched, I desired

But didn’’t find you.

I can only see the reflection,

Of two colourless flowers sitting very far,

In this world of thorns,

I screamed, I shouted, I begged

But didn’t find you.

We both have a thirst,

We both have a quest,

I am starving for the drops of love

Which can only be showered  from your heart,

But I will be standing there, forever,

Where I was standing with you,

Where I am standing without you,

Because I feel happy and colourful,

When I do it for you…..”

Kunal Duhar

NIFT Mumbai

kunal_myway@yahoo.com

https://www.facebook.com/kunal.duhar

Comments
  1. Kshitij says:

    I personally know ur friend .. just tell him ki JO KUCH HOTA HAI , ACHCHE KE LIYE HOTA HAI …
    loving someone iz nt a crime bt expecting d oder person to love d same way in return is nt in our hands …
    dat UPAR WALA got sumthn big in store fr our frnd … relax … just wait n watch …

    talking about d writing , .. beautifully written n expressed … 🙂

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