LOST !!!!

Posted: September 28, 2012 by Ankur in Contest, Writes...
Tags: , ,

(This was a letter i had written when i was like really feeling lonely and wanted that special someone back into my life. But i guess she was too busy to ever read it . there is no special reason as to y i am sending this to u but well this it’s just a part of me i never showed before and i guess this needs to see the light of day thanks for spending a few minutes )

Hey there again,

I can see you in the chat bar but also know that the moment i try to chat, u will go invisible and then remove me from contacts and block my mails. Not saying that u still can’t do it but just a request please don’t and by the way i knew u would be online at this time so i came to the computer centre which is quite a walk from the hostel.

Kaisi ho avi? Yaaar just tell me this does blocking me do u any good apart from the fact that u no longer have to see it as a missed cal on ur phone and that i don’t disturb u when u are busy with ur handsome at heart boyfriend. No offence intended if u are thinking on those lines but yaar tell me this all of this semester when i had the uninor no. ur phone used to be switched off most of the time. and the only time it came on was when u expected a call from me but well i never knew when exactly did u switch it on .

I know u must think y the hell am i again and again bringing up old worn out topics for no other reason than to depress you. I know dear but believe me my intention is not to blame u or tell u7

It’s just that i can’t believe that how things have changed from way back then. I guess our journey can be told in this fashion…

I was friends with 99********
I got close to 98********
I was proposed on landline
I was intimate with 82********
I talked free on BHEL no. ***
I ran away from 75********
and
I was shattered by 97********

It’s one thing to not talk to some one and completely different to not love that person earlier due to skool pressure i couldn’t then later due to IIT. I admit to have made a lot of mistakes in life quite a few of them for which you had to suffer believe me avi i’m suffering enough now to understand pretty much how you must have felt after my abandon; but dear (yeah i know u must feel saala jab bhi mistake accept karta hai ek na ek BUT beech mein le hi aata hai) I was too broken to consider anything at all . yaar i felt i had lost eveything i let my parents , my friends , my teachers , myself and i let u down too. 

You know just before the results were declared my teachers in Brilliant had contacted me saying that” please aaj raat tak apne photos main centre mein mail kar dene ke liye so that the next days papers could cary my name with photograph and the rank that i had btained in clearing iit jee ” imagine what i felt when i couldn’t clear it that too by just 10 marks. It hurts even today. What with guys like vishal ranjan clearing it on account of their being a reserveed category clearing it.

I lost it avi i completely lost it i am not very good at accepting defeat by just a few inches . and i decided to cut off from everyone rom everyone who i had loved or who loved me and the stuff i told u about suicide i tried it too all i can say it didn’t work. 

I didn’t throw u out of my life avi it is not possible to throw someone out whom u love whom u have have shared three years of ur life with u know avi 28th july will have the same importance for me every year like it used to til now , just that now it will be a lonely day and rightly so cause you have now gotten a new date for a new anniversary
with a new someone special. 

Can’t really blame you for moving on . i just want your forgiveness avi cause i really really love u and always will tum hamesha bolti thi na ki i only tell u that i love u when i’m on the phone with u but never in front of others . well the reason i could never say cause i felt so i don’t knw the right word for it but i was unable to express my feelings in public i am never able to kind of a version of stage fright where i am too much influenced by others opinions of me i know this sounds like loser but then that is what i am i’m not as great a guy as him cause i have always been loser and mos probably will always be . u might wonder again as y am i telling all this now well cause i just want to make a clean breast of everything. 

U remember asking me to sing and i never used to cause it was because i have such a pathetic voice and u are like a really skilled singer with a magnificent voice and all and u used to tell me about this guy and gal in music class who sing this way and that way that it made me so consious that i never could sing. i tried to gain confidence by humming on the phone but saala koi fark nahi pada to my loserdom. 

Then again u know something tumhare kisi bhi no. pe jab bhi call karte the and till now the breathlessness and anticipation of hearing ur voice always makes my adrenaline levels go through the roof cause i was and am still addicted to ur voice. there is some inherent sensuality in ur voice that drives me crazy even when u sometimes scold me.

Yaar thee are so many things about u that i have loved ,hated,despaired,felt jealous,felt proud and almost the entie spectrum of human emotions. i never used to say it and always used to ignore u cause there were many idiots who used to tell me that the more attention u pay to a girl the more conceited she will get . i thought that if i showed indifference to u u would try and make urself more closer too me. i guess i overdid it owing to school teachers and thus instead of u being close to me u are with someone else now. it’s true fat guys never balance well and it shows i never could balance ur love . guess it’s too late to make amends now.

And now comes the most beautiful part and sadly the part which u regret the most. sometimes i feel yaar y is it that the most precious moments on earth with the person i truly am in love with considers it as just as a mistake and that i used her. really tins if there was a time when u saw my feelings for u completely it was then , i just never could get enough of u , u are like the drug that i was in unlimited supply of and u know avi i have said it before and i say it yet again still feel the heat of your body running through me as i hug my blanket again and the soft whimpers of protest with desire in ur voice sound like fresh music in my ears yet again .all those times u and i said our feelings on the phone now it’s like whenever i hear u ajeeb lagta hai agar i love u nahi boloon thats y most of the times nikal jata hai .i still remember the taste of ur lips ur cheek ur every body pat that i felt with my lips even ur hairstrand that u brushed into my f ace when we were lying together . had i told u that the avantika pillow back in delhi is the one that i have brought here too inspite of having lied to u so many times of having ton it and stuff. along with all the phone conversations i ever recorded of u. sometimes these are the things that keep me going here.when ur phone used to be switched off i used to talk to my pillow and love her and tell her that i really really want her with me and thus kissing her and consoling myself i used to go to sleep u know if the only thing i attribute being my strength that my memory power is too strong to ever get rid of these feelings 

The computer centre closed down at twelve aand again a long walk in the cold back to the hostel is especially haunting when ur mind is full of stuff that was suppressed for so long and u don’t know what the hell happened and by are u still here talking to someone for whom ur existence is nothing but a bane

Earlier jab kabhi bhi tumse sunte the ki tum aaj raat ko isse baat kar rahi thi and that so and so guy called you in the wee hrs of the night i don’t know i used to have feel anger literally gushing through my veins, wanting to kill that person for contacting my beloved avi. but now for the past two days whenevever i hear that the no. is busy like at this present moment at 1:30 am in the morrning just a few hrs before my cp endsems there is no anger now just a numb feeling, a heaviness in the heart. i try avi , i try in vain to cry out to let tears gush out so that maybe crying out will lessen the pain but no tears come out i’m just too shattered to have a any tears .

Well u asked what was i doing instead of studying… Well dear i was trying to compose parts of a song which tells exactly how i feel… It goes as…

Now that it’s all said and done
i can’t believe u were the one 
to build me up and tear me down 
like an old abandoned house 

words u said 
when u left
with him around
you now
left me cold
and out of breath 
i fell too far
and way too deep 
guess i let u get the best of me 

well i never saw it coming 
should’ve started running
a long long time ago
and i never thought to doubt u 
never thought i will be without u
more than,u more than u 
could ever know
slowly getting tortured
as u are moving forward
and i’m getting worser
picking up the pieces
fixing all the bruises
putting my heart back together
cause the day i thought
i’ll be there with u 
i got a goodbye from 
you ……..

u took a hammer to these walls
threw the memories across the hall
forgot it all and walked away 
and there was nothing i could say
and when u closed all contact shut
loads of others opened up
for me
but now i see that u were
always the best for me

well i never saw it coming 
should’ve started running
a long long time ago
and i never thought to doubt u 
never thought i will be without u
more than,u more than u 
could ever know
slowly getting tortured
as u are moving forward
and i’m getting worser
picking up the pieces
fixing all the bruises
putting my heart back together
cause the day i thought
i’ll be there with u 
i got a goodbye from 
you ……..

well i never saw it coming 
should’ve started running
a long long time ago
and i never thought to doubt u 
never thought i will be without u
more than,u more than u 
could ever know

can’t put my heart back together 
and i don’t know what to do 
these few days without u 
know that u r better 
i wish i was the guy 
and u my princess
but am stuck here 
and darkness keeps closing in 
know we’ll never be never be together …………………………………….

Its been more than 4 hrs writing this mail and i still have so much left to tell u that i guess that even if i was still in a relationship with u i would not have been able to tell u everything. love is really strange isn’t it it brings out the side in you that u never knew ever existed and i guess o bring that side out in me i have no on else to thank but you tins my love now and for a long time (and i mean a long time not something like a couple of months).

My roomie is giving me kicks on my ass and is telling to go to sleep so that atleast i get some marks to pass in the exam tomorrow and here I am still typing away to glory cause there are some things that hold as much importance as u do for me avi. 

I just want to tell u that u may have blocked me now and perhaps will change ur no. according to his operator in order to be able to talk as much a s possible with the minimum balance i can do nothing else but accept the fact that u indeed have moved on and that am nothing but a bitter memory for u that if given a chance you would erase forever.

I LOVE U and will always do a pity that i never could tell it all to u 
I am still not to terms with it but i want to wish u all the best for ur new life with him.

Just one last thing u have my no. u have my delhi no. you have my name and address and you know my email address so please feel free whenever and if u want to talk to me ever in life i’ll always be there for u just shout and i’l be there . that’s a promise .

As the temperature drops to below 10 in Pilani am here outside the hostel typing and

I just wish ……………

You and I ………………………….

Foto Panda

anubhavdas1993@gmail.com

BITS PILANI

TOPIC: It Will heal with time; Maybe

Advertisements
Comments
  1. anurag says:

    cool bey…. its really so touchy… respect bro.. 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s