Even Satan Doesn’t Want Me!

Posted: September 2, 2013 by Ankur in Writes...
Tags: , , ,

He woke up with a burning stomach. His head ached, his eyes were heavy, his thoughts raced. His eyes were blurry ,the world around him didn’t make sense. The loud, inhuman, annoying voice of the maid was what woke him. She spoke in a language unknown to him, he didn’t understand what she was saying to her friend, but her sheer voice irritated him.

“Hiushdf dsdhsiuh dsuahue oiuersj maoai jjiunds!”,the maid spoke. Or, that’s what it sounded like to him. Her voice made him want to stab her. He closed his eyes and hoped that she would shut up, clean the room and fuck off.

He felt terribly depressed, the walls seemed to close in on him. His headache amplified in magnitude. He knew why it was happening. He got up from the bed and opened his cupboard beside his bed. His hands automatically found the medicine bag, he no longer had to look for the bag. He had popped too many pills and subconsciously knew where the bag to relief lay.

“There is nothing more depressing on the world than waking up and realizing that your suicide attempt failed. It’s like even Satan doesn’t want you in Hell”, he thought. He felt sick to the bone. His mind was already fractured and broken beyond repair. It’s just his body that was fighting on.

He opened the bag, his blurry eyes could just make out the rudimentary colours of the pills. He took out three aspirins and shoved them into his mouth. His eyes went to the work desk beside his table. There lay the sleeping pills that last night he hoped would work. They didn’t. He hated them for it.

“What doesn’t kill me, makes me stronger. I hope that won’t be valid here.”, he thought to himself as he swallowed 3 of them in one go. He automatically felt better. The medicine was yet to take effect but he already felt drowsy. He collapsed on the bed. His eyes once again felt drowsy. He was at peace. He felt as if he was slowly passing out, that thought gave him comfort.

But, the wonderful blissful feeling didn’t last long. Out of the blue, his body’s instinct to survive kicked in. He retched, his throat burned. His body convulsed, he twisted himself and tried vomiting beside the bed. He wanted to prevent the chore of washing his bed sheets.

He lay in pain. His throat and entire chest burned in an insane, excruciating blaze. But, he felt good. The pain took his mind away from the deep gloomy thoughts that always clouded his mind and never let anything light up his day.

The amazing thing about the human mind is that it diverts all its resources and attention to the immediate danger and stimulus. It is a mechanism evolved over millions of years of evolution.

He felt thankful about it. The pain started to fade, he felt normal. If constantly having suicidal thoughts and inexplicable rage was anyone’s definition of normal. His own rationalization made him scoff in mockery and scorn.

His mind was fighting with itself. His borderline multiple personalities manifested in the form of three people. One was a angry nihilist who found no happiness in anything. The other was a deep dark gloomy guy who constantly thought about the worst possible events and the only solution to them being suicide. The other was a happy-go-lucky guy who was a fun guy to hang around and was constantly laughing and smiling for the most trivial of reasons.

The pain had almost faded now, the ever present depression started to kick in slowly. He got up from the vomit covered bed. He stank, he needed a bath. He would deal with the dirty bed sheet later.

He walked into the shower with his clothes on, a thin vest and boxers. He wringed the shower handle hoping to break something and give him some relief. The cold water hit his face, it was freezing. He shivered, his teeth clattered, but it was all good it took the edge off. He collapsed on the floor and sat curled up in a fetal position.

His mind drifted off to where it all began. The depression first manifested in the form of an evil entity calling out to him and dragging him into a world of gloom so abysmal, that nothing could drag him out of there for long.

His years of high school were hardly worth noting. He was a loner who spent his time with misfits like himself. But, strangely his misfit friends had more friends than he ever did. All he did was run away from school and go smoke cigarettes enjoying the little high it gave him. His evenings were the same. He’d get of his house with the excuse of attending tuitions but would rather be elsewhere smoking and drinking.

The condition at his house wasn’t much better, constant fights with his mother and family, his loneliness and the burden of studies. This continued for as long as he could remember. But, suddenly one day something happened. He fell in love. The girl was from the same school, a different class though. He knew her, she lived near his house. She wasn’t what anyone would call pretty but still she was looked angelic to him. Her voice was funny but it soothed him. The world suddenly wasn’t as gloomy as he remembered it to be. He finally managed to gather the courage to confess his feelings for her. As expected the girl politely rejected him. 

This was first nail in the coffin of depression that was slowly building itself around him. Her thoughts flooded him constantly.

“Don’t go there… There’s nothing but pain there…”, his mind said to him.

He didn’t listen to the voice in his head. “The path to salvation lay through the thorniest of paths.” ,that was his logic. The pain of rejection burdened him constantly. One fine day, he brought home a blade, he was inspired by some movies and decided to cut himself to profess his love to the girl and in hopes that it would win her heart.

At first he was afraid of the pain that the blade may cause but, then as the blade cut into his skin and drew blood. He felt oddly elevated at the sight of his blood and the pain numbed him. He sank the blade deeper and deeper into his skin and drew lines on his forearm. They looked cool to his sick, disturbed mind. The smell and the colour of blood made him high, he was ecstatic.

His mind was reliving those memories as he looked at his forearm in the shower. It still carried the scars from that time. It was all he had as a reminder about the her. He had burnt each and everything that reminded him of her. Watching the stuff burn had given him immense satisfaction.

The water still felt cold. His mind wandered off from the painful memories from high school. After all, his entire high school experience had been one long hangover interrupted with periodic doses of alcohol.

As he graduated from high school he felt liberated, he hated all his peers and wanted to stab them in the face if they ever came in front of him. 

College brought with it a new lease at life, he expected to bury all his past demons of high school and finally move on in life. But, one can never truly bury the past. Slowly inch by inch the past and all his demons clawed its way back to him. Soon before he could begin to enjoy his new found freedom, the depression reared it’s ugly head and consumed him.

The college he went to wasn’t the best in it’s league. He wasn’t rich enough to afford the expensive college that his school mates went to, the place he lived in was shitty at best. But, who was he kidding he wasn’t deserving any better than the shit-hole he was in. The thought depressed him, he decided to work hard and study and give entrance exams again. He studied hard, but then who was he kidding he wasn’t any better deserving than the shit-hole he was in. He failed. The failure broke him. The world seemed to collapse around him. He relapsed back to cutting himself. It gave him some precious moments of clarity where he could function as normal without the depression choking the life out of him. 

The only other thing that gave him some other moments of clarity was the act of doing stupid things and acting as a jest and making other people laugh at his expense. It gave him some happiness that someone else could enjoy his share of happiness in life. He saw a girl in his class. Her weird voice reminded him of his high school crush. But, he was afraid of what would happen if he ever did confess his feelings for her. He would be mocked, made fun of, ostracised from his so-called friend’s circle.

When in class all he could feel was mindless rage and misdirected anger. Anger of immense magnitude that made his hands shake whenever someone even tried to talk to him. The feeling consumed his entire senses. The back-benchers making a ruckus inc class made him mad with rage. He wanted to get up and stab each and every fucker there. Even though many were his friends who he shared cigarettes with.

The year ended and it was finally time to go back home. He detested that feeling. His mother smothering him with questions. His grandmother irritating him with chores and stupid questions.

He wanted to die each and every day. Each day seemed like a drag. All he could do to make his day go by faster was to drink to the limit and fall asleep. Waking up with an insane hangover the next day, hoping that the cigarettes that he smoked would take the edge off.

The days in his home went by like that, watching anime, smoking drinking. It was soon time to head back to college. He detested that thought. The same smug faces staring at him, the fake and meaningless displays of friendship and affection. People annoying him by just living on the face of the earth and enjoying life. Yes, he was jealous of the relationships that the other people had, their friendships while he sat alone in the darkness curled up in a ball, like he now lay in the shower.

The depression slowly choked the life out of him. He didn’t want his life to end like that, slowly ,painfully, having no meaning at all. He wanted it to end quick and easy. It would be much less painful.

With this thought in mind, he got up from the shower. He had lost track of time in the shower, his body was cold, he was shivering severely. In his wet clothes he walked to the cupboard in his room and pulled out a bottle of whiskey. Drinking all that remained in the bottle in a single gulp, he walked towards the bed. His hands found the bottle of sleeping pills near him and he gathered what remained of his strength and stuffed his mouth with pills and swallowed hard.

“Let’s see if Satan wants me now.”, he thought as the darkness slowly crept towards him and filled his sight. He finally was at peace and was saying goodbye to his miserable existence on this planet.

Anirban Das

KIIT University

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