It was a full moon night and as I walked slowly down the street to my home, I couldn’t help but look up and admire the light that Moon reflected. I knew it wasn’t its own of course; science had ruined that part of wonder for me long time back. Nonetheless, it was worth standing there and watching the light shimmer on the leaves, casting a spell over everyone who cared to stop and see. But I pretty much had the Moon all for me tonight, as the street was clear, save for a street dog that had been born and brought up by everyone on our street. We called him Snowy. Not innovative, I know, but we all liked Tintin and his dog and the pup was too cute to be named Tiger or Roger or whatever tough name they give to their dogs; so Snowy was what we ended up calling him.
Anyways, back to the sky, I saw a cloud swiftly cover the Moon for a while and when it reappeared, it somehow seemed to send a smile my way and I winked in return. “Hey there! How’re you holding up?” I jumped with a girlish shriek and looked around for the source of the sound when it struck me. “God, you scared me!” I replied to the now grinning Moon. “And how I love it!” he said with that teasing look in his eyes I was so used to now. I smiled as I looked at him, loving the fact that my best friend had kept his promise. “Let’s see how much you love it when I get to you! Just wait a bit.” I replied, quickening my steps. “Always, sweetheart. You’re going to wrap up the year today, How can I miss it?” I smiled at that and two minutes and several deep breaths later, entered my home. Home. I love that word! The very sound of it invokes a feeling of being safe. It’s so sweetly welcoming, like mum’s lap, dad’s shoulder, someone’s arms. I shook the thought away as I rushed to the kitchen to take my daily dose of nice warm coffee with extra Chocó-powder.
As I started preparing it I recalled the night I had found my best buddy. Or rather, when he found me. It was a full moon night like todays, a few months back. I had had a crappy day and was blaming almost everything under the sun. A cruel disease had found his home at mine, family was falling apart, friends were struggling from their own problems and though the relationship had ended, I was yet to write those Dear John letters to my mind which kept going back to my love. It was 11p.m. and I was standing in my balcony which overlooked a park, obviously deserted at this hour. I had been crying for a while as the memories of the past few months flooded my mind. “Why!!” I had shouted in the air when the cold breeze tickled my bare arms, and then resumed crying. After a while when I had quieted down, I looked up at the sky and saw the Moon. I find it hard to explain it right now, but at that time I could have sworn I saw him smiling. I knitted my brow in confusion and continued to stare at him when finally he rolled his eyes at me. You don’t believe me, right? I didn’t either and so I turned my back and started to leave when suddenly-
“Hey! Don’t go!”
My heart skipped a beat and I slowly turned back around and looked down at the park for a sign of someone who spoke human. No one.
“I’m up here sweetheart.”
And my heart skipped a beat again as I looked up at him. “Are you talking to me?” I said in a tiny scared voice of a five year old. “Yes I am.” he replied sounding happy.
I backed off a little and said in a tinier voice, if that was even possible, “Wh-Why?”
“Because I want to” he said “don’t you?” he added softly. I was too tired to argue and too happy to finally have someone say that. “I guess…yes.” I replied. He smiled at that; “I have heard that before.” I smiled too as the memory of that good, good April morning came rushing in. “So,” he continued, “What can I do for my best friend?”
“You’re not my best friend!” I said rather indignantly.
He chuckled and said, “Okay ma’am, so what can I do to become your best friend?”
“umm…promise me something?” I said, feeling the corners of my eyes beginning to get wet.
“Name it.” he replied rather solemnly.
“Promise to stay with me for as long as you are in the sky?” I said softly with tears threatening to fall down my cheeks any moment.
“I promise you love, I’ll be your best friend even after the stars and the sky is no more.”
Tears gushed down at once and I covered the face with my hands. He watched me as I cried and a cold but soothing wind blew around me letting me feel his arms around myself, protecting me from every problem, every difficulty that I would face henceforth. And I felt safe once more. I closed my eyes and hid myself in his arms. “Don’t leave me please.” I said needing to hold on to the feeling. “I won’t …just won’t. So you take care okay? Because I’m there with you…always.”
And that was it. From that moment on, we became the best chums! Whenever I found myself alone, or in distress or just needed someone to talk to or be with, he’d come right away, scaring the hell out of me like he did today. Always standing beside me to rejoice with my success and holding me as I cried about my failures. Helping me come over the hurdles I faced in my path, listening to me as I chattered about my life. I smiled and breathed in the sweet aroma of hot coffee. Time to go and meet my best buddy! I took the large cup and a chair with me to the balcony and after making myself comfortable, glanced at the sky. Sure enough, my Moon was smiling at me. “So, what can I do for my best friend?” he said in his happy voice. I laughed at that “How do you always get to know what I had been thinking about?”
“You’re no Bella to me sweetheart, I can very well read your mind!” he said, trying and failing to mimic Edward Cullen. I smiled and took a sip from my cup looking up at him- “I bet you don’t know what I’m about to say.”
He gave a sad smile and quietly said, “I want to hear all about it, love.”
I took a large sip and kept the cup aside to begin my story.
“So, today was the first day of starting my resolution, my 11 months & 30 days old New Year resolution. Well, the slight delay wasn’t exactly my fault, it was one of the Seven Deadly Sins who did it; Sloth they call it.*sigh* Poor me. Anyways, so what was it that I had thought I’d accomplish by the end of this year? Ah, I had thought I’d do a lot. Don’t we all, in our heart of hearts? On 1st January 2011, I’d convinced myself of certain things that I’ll be working on this year. I was 18 closing on 19, so I’m not even counting losing some extra weight. It’s something that’s, you know, understood. Besides this, oh well, it was too much. And just the thought of it made me procrastinate again. It was like I had planned my whole life and how sure I was of everything. So sure that everything’s going to be just like I had planned. A perfect family with just the right health and happiness. Stupid but great friends who’d not call or text for a month but whenever they did, they’d be the same idiots who made life bearable. Considerable academic score which would satisfy at least me, if not my parents. (when has it ever, anyway?) So sure that the butterflies will continue to work their magic. So damn sure of the forever world, the world without an end. A world with no more pimples on my face… But that was before John Lennon entered my life. Uh well, okay it’s just his quote that did: “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.”
And sure enough, Life happened. It’s so weird when something so right goes so wrong. And more weird when everything goes wrong at the same time, like every goddamn thing! When I look back at it now, it sometimes feels so funny. There were times during that life-happening process when I cursed myself and God and everything between us and had that worried pathetic look plastered on my face, half of the time, not knowing exactly what I’d been worrying about. Every time I looked in the mirror for a second more than required, every time I stared at those eyes of mine for a second longer, they welled up with tears. God, I was so distressing. I was so confused, so shaken up. So full of questions. How could it happen? Why did it happen? What should I have done? Will it ever be alright again? There were times when I became so weak, begging from god to change it all. And there were others when I became a cold hard crass, hating people, cursing God.
But obviously it didn’t make any difference to what was happening in my life. Pimples continued to migrate from one cheek to another. And slowly I realized that our life is like the skin. At some places rough, at others smooth; always changing- wearing off with age and the work we do. Some with tough, hard appearance- capable to bear the harshest of weathers- while others, sensitive to even a rose petal with the morning dew. Some with birth marks, yet others with beauty spots. Purest, cutest and softest when new, getting more and more bruises as the time passes. Getting wounds of every shape, size and color, some that healed comparatively faster; yet others that left a big fat scar, stubborn to stay there till the very end. A part of it visible, a part hidden. Our skin has its own set of ‘scar tissues’; always on the healing process. Akin to Life, always moving on, to something new; whether we like it or not. While we draw on to band aids and antiseptics for the momentary relief from the cuts and blemish, we cling on to every possible thing or person to hold ourselves together. But both take their own time, their own course; not needing us, yet prodding enough to keep us going and at the slightest denial from our side, even resort to pushing us.
And soon I understood that well, I am not living in as bad a condition as I think I am. And if I don’t try and get out of this boring act of dying in self pity soon, I’ll remain stuck here forever. This forever, somehow, seemed to really have no end. So what did I do? It may appear like total shit but it sure helped me through it; stories. Ironical how fiction helped face the reality! Of course Life’s not as easy as it sounds. Life is like growing up over and over again. Like walking on all fours…careful till you start trusting your own feet and the ground below…and before you know it, the ground slips and you’re left toppling…on all fours again…a circle complete…still crouching and sniffing around for possible danger, avoiding puddle of water here and a steep pit there… the puddle that reflects your own self, the bruises that you suffered from your previous fall.
But you know the feeling when you think that what you’re going to do is right? And when people stop you from doing it and ask you the reason, or when you yourself question why you want to go with it, and all you can give as an answer is… “I just know”? Well, I learned to believe in it. I learnt to put my faith in that feeling, in that tiny little voice that said “I just know.”
And now, I close my eyes and look back at the year with a smile which is a little sad, a little happy, a little tired but full of belief. A belief that my future might not be picture perfect, but my life with all its blemishes, will be. A belief that like the sea, my life will bring back the love. A belief that made me set my New Year Resolution for 2012 in eight simple words: ‘I will live. I will not give up.’ I take that one extra second in the mirror; stare at my eyes and see the same girl, but with a slight difference. I’m still not a very religious person; only say a quick ‘Hi!’ to Him once a while but I have my firm faith that He, along with my grandma and cousin, is out there watching up on me. I still haven’t found the ‘brighter’ side of every thing, but I know that somewhere, there sure is one. At night when every thing is quiet, the voices of the past still rise up and engulf me in, but I know in my heart that morning is sure to come. I still have my questions, I sometimes still wonder why things happened they way they did. But now I know that when the right time comes, I’ll have my answers. Maybe I learnt it a little too late…Maybe none of it should have happened but regrets? That’s not me. May be I could have avoided it but then I know I wouldn’t have learnt it this well any other way. Because all through it, it was just me trying to get to another part of me. The pimples continue to haunt me, but I know that after some time, I won’t really care. Because life moves on; sometimes it really sucks but it does. And we all devise our own ways to align ourselves back with our planets. It is, as my English Professor once said, that we’re all just waiting to fit into our already set-moulds. Here, right now, I sit and work happily in my mould with my heart full of hopes and dreams till life jerks my mesh and sends me flying to another opportunity, another high in my life, another hope and I’ll take it as well, as if. And although I may not like this new mould, and try to fit in the one I like, stumbling upon from one wrong mould to another, I know that in the end, I’ll find the mould I fit the best in and wait till I’m settled in there with yet another story to tell.
I will still have my doubts, my moments of weakness, times when I’ll close in to my shell, times when I won’t understand myself and god and every thing between us, but even at that time when I’ll close my eyes, the little soft voice inside me will say “Shh…Shh…Everything’s going to be alright. I’m right here, with you. Always and forever.” And out loud I’d say, “I know, I just know.”
A cold but soothing wind blew around me as I finished my story, letting me feel his arms around myself once again, protecting me from every problem, every difficulty that I would face henceforth. And with my Moon, I felt safe once more. “I’m not leaving you dost…not now, not ever.” I closed my eyes and hid myself in his arms... “I know, I just know.” 🙂
Mansi Sharma
Indraprastha College for Women, Delhi University
Like this:
Like Loading...
'Campus Writing' 